|DIRTY RIPPAS LITIGATION (god help us)...
Dear Linda Hoover, or L.Hoover, Or Ms Hooverelle, or to whom it may concern:
Hello, my name is Merrill E. Hendrickkson. I work for Gratings & Dallas, LLC located in Provincetown, a tiny village outside the world capital in Helsinki, Finland. My organization is principally dedicated to headhunting young musical acts in the region, but also delves into international sponsorship, including the United States. Though I am not part of the music business, I do serve on a limited basis as counsel for said firm. Which brings me to the point of this correspondence.
It has come to our attention here at Gratings & Dallas, that you have been in contact with an American musician by the name of Paul Flum. I understand the concept of contact may be vague, but I urge you to continue pursuing this message, as it may bring financial reward on to you or your family.
Paul Flum is a hot commodity, in loosest terms that I could gather, here at the firm. In recent days, this musician has peaked the interest of Aegon VonLiederschmidt, the SVP of Gratings Records (subsidiary of Gratings & Dallas)...to get to the heart of matters, Mr. VonLiederschmidt has decided to make a substantial investment in Mr. Flum, and cronies of Mr. Flum, based on recent events in the Baltimore city music scene, that you may or may not be privy to.
Gratings Records is going to announce, in the next month or so, that they are signing the american band "Dirty Rippaz" to a 7 record recording contract through the year 2013.
Apparently, executives of the firm were onhand at a Baltimore nightclub called "ottobar" on the evening of Saturday, January 4...when "dirty rippaz" made there world debut, performing for 15 minutes. Coincidentally, more than just there "15 minutes of fame" .... were Andy Warhol still alive to quote. This band made waves.
According to reports, a partner of Mr. VonLiederschmidts, namely Jay Melison, interviewed one of the band members after the show. Chuck Rippa (it is alarming to discover that 3 members, including Abbey Rippa and Corey Rippa so suddenly changed there names 9:00AM monday morning when Baltimore City Circuit Court opened) informed Jay that Paul Flum named the band. Which would not normally be a big deal. And now Ms. Hoover(L), this is were you may come into play.
It seems Mr. Flum didn't name the band either. During the interview, the Rippa drummer informed us that "one of Flums friends came up with the arbitrary name on the internet..."
A stunning development.
Not only that, but a major hinderance to inking a record deal. Paul Flum has been completely non-communicative on the subject. Last we checked, he was wondering off into the sunset contemplating ownership of a new Thai restaurant in Napa Valley.
The idea of an individual claiming ownership of said bandname "dirty rippaz" to only come forth after the band has toured Sri Lanka, played farm aid with Christine Aguilera, and released a 5 DVD RippaSet, would leave us in financial ruin.
The risk is too great, which is why I was put on the case. I was asked to find the person responsible for inventing the band name "dirty Rippaz"...my leads have brought me to you and many others as well.
We used more information in the interview with Chuck Rippa, to narrow the search. When asked which one of Flums friends came up with the name, Chuck responded, "...not sure....Flum said that this really hot babe he met on the internet ... hair the color of campfire, eyes of a tigress - 'burning charisma strewn about mischief'...or some shit like that...she came up with it"
We have used this information, to search for this babe. We got administrative privledges (Mr. VonLiederschmidt has strong ties...he and Bill Gates kid both attend the Montessouri School) and hacked into Mr. Flums internet accounts. There are 2 friend websites that he is a member, namely Myspace.com and Friendster.com, that have been the source of our investigation.
There are at least 3 females who meet the criteria on myspace and 5 on friendster. We have sent similar emails to all of these women. But after looking at your photographs...well...pardon me Miss Hoover...but in all sincerity, I totally can see the aforementioned comments regarding campfire/tigress/charisma...uhh... ringing true.
if this is the case, and you are responsible for the name "dirty rippaz", i urge you to reply as soon as possible, so that Gratings Records can proceed with contract negotiations, thereby cutting you in on royalties, or even settling out of court.
Would lifetime passes to the All Tommorrows Parties events in Glascow, Scotland; A burgundy Cooper Mini with power sunroof; and backstage with Jack White(White Stripes) at the MTV Music Awards 2004 and 2005 be sufficient?
Hopefully we can come to some closure on this matter. If we have made a mistake in sending you this, I regret any inconvenience. However...I might like to be your friend on myspace...well... beggars can't be choosers!
Thank you for your time, Linda.
Yours in Law and Courage,
Merrill E. Hendrickkson
Asst. Chief General Counsel
Gratings & Dallas
111 e Gunderson Pkwy
Provincetown, Finland MU6L6
cc:A Von Liederschmidt
|Leslie Hoover wrote:
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 23:16:19 -0800 (PST)
From: leslie hoover
Subject: Ahem ahem
To: mehh mehh
RE: Paul Flum Royalty Opportunity Approval
Date: Jan 07, 2004
To: Mr. Merrill E. Hendrickkson
Asst. Chief General Hoo Ha
Gratings and Dallas
111 E Gunderson Parkway
Provincetown, Finland MU6L6
CC: A Von Liederschmidt
Mr. Hendrickkson. Your letter has filled me with surprise and pleasant confusion. Though I have
conversed with Mr. Flum on several occasions this past week, I had not thought to bank on the wonderful
opportunities involved with consorting with musician types. To be elevated to crony status so quickly is
quite an honor regarding this rising young star. What a wonderful development this has been! Please
understand that while my musical tastes are eclectic and sometimes even scoffed at, knowing musicians gives
me great hope that enlightenment may be eventually attained. Toward this end, and utilizing your firm's
said commitment to international sponsorship, I propose a fluid approach to royalty disbursement. With
the understanding that the proper copyrighting procedures have been followed and notarized copies
forwarded, please note the following avenues I would like to pursue jointly with your firm and Mr. Flum,
and which I hope will be mutually amenable:
1. I should like to accompany the Dirty Rippas on their Sri Lanka Tour free of charge, as one must
always support nation-states in which globally defined economic opportunity is controlled by guerillas and
petty thieves such as the United States. I believe that Finland, your fair homeland, should get in on
this action if it has not already. I am also willing to support the movement with grass roots pamphleting
and cider drinking at Dirty Rippas concerts here in the United States prior to said tour.
2. A line of clothing for young nubbins to spread the notoriety from my copyrighted band name would be quite appropriate. I would suggest a black cotton/ poly blend of baby T's, hoodies, thongs, camisoles, and
possibly ankle socks. (Note: this list is not comprehensive, nor should it be viewed as sexist. It
is my understanding that many men, possibly even as many as one in ten, might prefer to wear camisoles,
and thus population discrimination is not an issue.) Should this choice in clothing inspire hot dissent or
possibly strong, burning distraction among the manly members of your firm, I implore you to act decisively
and roughly, taking them in hand on the floor with much verbal reprimand. After all, I ask a very minor
thing, but one which I hope will leave a lasting impression on the fan base I have surmised exists in
the delta region of this inspired nation. Regardless, I would like a hoodie and thong for myself in which to
prance and lounge while not in public sponsoring the Dirty Rippas. This, I hope, meets with firm approval.
3. Though many incriminating actions have been alleged to have been performed by me, by people in various
stages of decay, they are difficult to prove and thus are not capable of deterring me from enjoying the
guilt-free lifestyle I currently lead. Should this change, however, I would solicit lifetime services for
counsel as a part of my settlement package. If it is necessary to obtain air and ground transportation to
and from the hotel at which I must stay to gather said services in Europe, this will be included as per
approval by your vigorous firm. First class accommodations, needless to say, are preferred, with a
large in-room spa and a fully stocked wet bar. Fuzzy slippers as per usual.
To whit, fulfillment of the aforementioned conditions are sufficient for cessation of negotiations at this
time. Should there be any residual that needs to be hammered out so that a mutually gratifying release of
contract is attained, please feel free to contact me personally. I am free on weekends.
'Mr. Flum' indicates Dirty Rippas, Mr. Flum himself, and any subsidiaries he represents.
'I, Me' indicates Leslie Hoover and all personalities contained therein. Her, too.
Sincerely and with great anticipation,